年終，時間的盡頭

我覺得我快被淹沒，透不過氣。想破解你設下的魔咒，但諷刺的是，你同時又是那麼美麗，令我不禁繼續沉溺下去，感受那天使與魔鬼之間的角力。

我會因你而死吧。

埋了它吧。我不會讓你埋葬它。我不會讓你抑制它。我不會讓你殺死它。

我們已經沒有時間了，沒有時間了。你不能把它壓進地底，不能阻止它發出尖叫聲。

我竟然寧願讓自由被捆綁、限制，嘗試放棄你，但還是脫不了癮。你知道我被困了，還感到洋洋得意，甚至幻想一切在這時間、這空間凝定。

我的生命力，會一點一滴的被你擠壓掉吧。

我們已經沒有時間了，沒有時間了。你不能把它壓進地底，不能阻止它發出尖叫聲。

我們，為何會變成這樣？


譯自Time is Running Out

陽光下的鬼臉

今天心血來潮，找出高考後買的Lomo Action Sampler，去大埔墟及林村河畔拍了一卷菲林的照片。

該Lomo算是我第一部擁有的相機，購自又一城page one，當時售價290元，現在仍是。不過當時只拍了大約兩三卷菲林就沒有再拍了，一來菲林對當時的我而言並不便宜，二來拍了幾卷都沒有什麼好貨色，使用意願就一直下降，從此它就被遺棄於書桌中的一角。

去沖曬店買了一卷菲林，在老闆的幫忙下裝進相機，就在大埔墟附近蹓達。是日風和日麗但有煙霞，看起來空氣已不甚好，再加上是以low tech聞名的Lomo機，拍出來的照片也是白曚曚的，當然好不好玩是另一回事。拍完馬上拿去沖曬，最滿意的應是這張吧。

這是我廿三歲第一天的樣子。

近況

1.
最近求職很勤（比這輩子的任何一段時間都要積極），專攻各大月薪14K以上人工高福利好而且未截止的MT，因為只有這些公司才捨得花錢搞網上申請（我估）。求職的程序需要用腦的部份很少，因為每次填的報名表都有固定格式，姓名電話地址公開試成績學歷課外活動工作經驗，不能copy and paste只能用機械手不停拉下menu選取答案，連稍稍測試語文水平的求職信也不用寫。花30分鐘填完網上表格，收到回覆的電郵，說我們的HR有機會會聯絡你，就可回到論文。如果我只是希望找一件超級機械的事情反覆地做，以求重新體會論文的趣味性，那求職實在是一個太好的選擇。反正在這些比學歷、比成績的抽獎遊戲中，一定不會輪到我中獎，應也不必為了「如果叫我去in點算好」忙個焦頭爛額吧。

2.
訪問正進行的如火如荼，本星期一連四個，實在令人吃不消，單是打script也花去不少時間，更沒有心機每次賽後檢討，所以每次都會發現問法奇怪的地方。做完第一個訪問之後找馬生求救，他拿起我那厚厚的問題表揚了揚，說「我真係想像唔到有咩人會答得哂d問題兼唔發爛渣同pang你走！」。他也提出了一個我完全沒有意識的觀點，是我的問題完全是根據學術文獻設計的，沒有看過那些文獻的人不會明白那些名詞涵蓋了什麼範圍，才會以為我準備問一些很空泛的問題，並準備空泛地回答。

我一向覺得自己在理解理論方面相當低能，一方面不能將日常的問題提升至理論的高度，另一方面即使讀了一些所謂的理論文章，也不能以實際事例將之應用，即囫圇吞棗。因此，我彷彿長期處於一些以為自己說話寫作口吻低能無修辭無設計的所謂率直狀態，以為我手寫我口，豈料要所謂接近群眾，真的不容易，當然這是基於我對馬生的評語超級信任的前提。我不能想像，自己挾著那堆書，畢業後懷著那些幫助弱勢社群的薄弱意志，直接闖進一個工會中會搞出一個怎麼樣的大頭佛。愈近求職，對自己的所謂中產學院背景愈覺心虛。

現在的訪問對象嚴重向職工盟傾斜，但要再聯絡工聯會的老油條們又無心機，可能是時候找找和工聯會關係良好的論文口委了。

3.
上星期接待了來自法國西南部，走和藹可親路線的M小姐，自我感覺良好。好久沒有聽人說過，來香港玩一星期都不夠，但她的玩法應該可以多多推廣予接下來即將造訪的朋友們。作為一個首次踏足亞洲的法蘭西人，單是沙田大圍也行了一天，之後大尾篤一天、林村郊野公園行山一天、中上環一天、旺角油麻地一天，最後一天去灣仔、九龍城和樂富。數著還有新界西、港島東、港島南、大嶼山未曾踏足，也許從一個不揀擇的外國人視覺出發，更容易發現自己住的城市有何特別值得珍惜的東西吧。

我知我是小孩心性

不知不覺，原來一個學期又將完結，距離求職之日又近一步。

我老是有無數的計劃，最後得個想字，然後告訴自己，太長遠以後的事還是不要考慮，哪怕太長遠的定義，可能只是兩三個月後。總之七月之前，對自己的未來也不該有什麼太實在的想像，反正即使想了，也被困在這小小學位中，什麼也做不來。

從收到入學通知，到現在遞交申請畢業的表格，每次見到什麼新知舊雨，幾乎都要聽一番「你就好啦唔使養家」「你就好啦又玩多幾年」之類。好啦好啦，我現在是不用付家用，不用找工作，不用OT，不用面對變態老闆，沒有勞資糾紛，時間自由分配，學院溫室氣氛濃厚，好了吧？

可笑的是我的研究興趣竟然就是「工作」。在生活中說不想要工作前景，不想要工作穩定，不想負所謂家庭責任，卻在論文中卻侃侃而談職業保障。由一個連初出茅蘆都談不上的人來討論「工作」，這是什麼回事。

有時我不願意承認，讀書的人和工作的人差別很大。我寧願相信，這些都是你睇我好我睇你好，你可以覺得自己辛苦，但也不能說讀書很幸福很自由很嘆什麼的，反之亦然。自我期許偏差的痛苦、生活失序的痛苦、自我否定的痛苦，有幾多人明白，恕我直言，實在是太少，甚至無。又再恕我elitist，除了你的論文老細，其他人有資格批評你的「論文進度緩慢」嗎？有資格質疑「你係咪真係會畢到業」嗎？

現在這個所謂「不談目標不談前景」的生活方針，也不知有多少成是自己的選擇。

訪問第一炮

完成了第一個訪問，對象是建造業總工會。前一晚沒睡，一邊收聽朱may英倫歷險記，一邊設計問題。從沒想過做訪問咁Q煩，真頂。

早上本來打算維持某個hyper的狀態，直踩至下午三時，但與波仔討論了一會其旅行計劃後，花費精力太多，又覺得眼訓，結果睡至十一點。睡醒後淆撚哂底，表格中還有很多空白，最後還是沒有填完，餓著肚子出門。

去到油麻地區某商業大廈，該總工會租下全層。舉目望進去，各職員彷彿都在衝鋒陷陣，果然是大茶飯。其後訪問時間共兩小時，對雙方都是消耗。最後半小時，大家不約而同地放蚊，可憐的中年叔叔，眼皮都垂下來了，但坐在對面那死小孩還是一題一題的繼續問。誰叫你之前廢話那麼多。

下樓後沿著上海街走路去坐小巴，愈想愈覺不妥。星期一找馬生求救，希望老油條能傳授幾招對付老油條的招數，好讓我不要再肉隨鉆板上，嗚嗚嗚。

我快要炸爆M$ Word

MS Word
原由 patchanism 上載

Proposal deadline前夕才來出亂子，是不是痴了線呢。打完一個英文字才開新行不是基本常識嗎？

9999滴眼淚

陳昇今天出新書了，其實也不是新書，只是十八年前的作品加料再版。好想買，但最近花費好像太多，還是等下月先。

之前看過幾本陳昇的書，內容大抵都脫離不了一些滄桑的往事，和中年男子的心情。有一本是由陳昇幾年前在夜店被打傷，躺在病床上和朋友的書信往來結集而成，比《麻不甩》更麻甩，但又更容易令人覺得心酸。

還有一本是陳昇的歌迷所寫。她十二歲就開始聽陳昇的歌，直到現在，由「不適合的年紀」聽到剛好有那種滄桑的程度，真是一段很漫長的日子。二十歲生日的時候，我在房間裡不斷的重播〈二十歲的眼淚〉，她則在K房裡唱了幾遍。

現在形容那種滄海桑田的感覺，真像慘綠少年強說愁。還得不斷的說，其實那真的不算什麼。

南道的盲點

深夜，與李同學在廿四小時麥記吹水，並欣賞其兩年前的歐遊照片。翻看那些故作日常的照片實在饒有趣味，其中一張本來打算拍他那身穿小背心的同行者的背影，但他卻到現在才發現，一位意外入鏡的嬉皮阿叔，在快門閃動的一剎那，向他豎起了兩隻中指。那時，覺得自己的觀察力從來沒有如此好過，實在見笑了。

走出麥記已是一時，想起第二天早上有約，就想馬上回家撲上床呼呼大睡。麥記門口的右側有一暗角位，日間的時候，常有路人在此抽煙，或站在垃圾桶旁吃漢堡包。我們路過的時候，卻看見一個人蜷縮在地上，像是失去知覺，而另一人則站在他的身後，翻著一個類似銀包的物體。

我們和那人交換了一個疑惑的眼神，也沒有停下來，但走遠了五六米後，我問李同學，那人像打劫嗎，而李同學也深有同感。那人究竟是睡著了、喝醉了，還是被襲倒下了？我們向前再走了一兩米才敢回頭再看站著那人，只見他的站姿維持了好久，手的動作也沒有停下來。及後又有兩個年青人從麥記裡走出來，也是疑惑地看著那兩人，然後路過離去。

李同學忽發奇想，難道那人是相信世界上最危險的地方就是最安全的地方嗎？可能那人就是覺得，沒有人會相信有人會在麥記門外打劫，所以才大模斯樣地翻銀包，反正大家都不會理會。我們想過報警，但萬一警察要我們協助調查，那就可能要折騰好一陣子了。於是，我們走向最近的屋村電梯大堂，向當值的保安阿姐求助。

我們站在馬路上，向大廈裡的保安阿姐揮手，示意她出來，和我們一起遙遠觀察那兩人。三人就這樣站在行人路的正中間，看著那兩人的背影。起初阿姐不置可否，說這一帶的醉酒佬多的是，常有人喝醉了就直接躺在路上呼呼大睡。我們說，如果那人喝醉了酒，而站著那人又認識他的話，不是應該想辦法送他回家嗎？為何還施施然的在路邊翻著有的沒的？阿姐好像有些動搖，又提出「就算識得都唔應該立亂睇人銀包」，關乎私穩的論點。但她說自己不能擅自離開大廈範圍，於是建議我們報警。「偶然做下好市民都幾好架。」

沒有報警經驗的我們呆了一陣。李同學可能是因為緊張，我是因為眼訓。最後我以電話沒電為由，逼使李同學第一次撥出那熟悉又陌生的九九九。

「喂，我們在樂富間麥記出門見到有個人o係地下暈左，隔離個人揭緊佢銀包喎……下，企o係度個人著藍色風褸架囉……幾高？中等身材卦……呢條咩街？我都唔知喎，麥記果條街囉，宏順樓出面呀……係呀成個樂富得一間麥記架咋！……哦，原來呢條街叫橫頭磡南道呀……警察宜家會黎呀？好呀好呀……下我地要等埋警察來到先走得嗎？好啦好啦……」他放下電話後大約十秒左右，就看到一架警車在身邊掠過。我們驚呼「唔係咁快呀嘛」，但那架警車並沒有停下來。阿姐氣定神閒的說，那警車應剛剛才收到訊息，要多繞一個圈才會停。

果然，警車又從另一個方向駛過來了。身穿藍色風褸的人馬上調整站姿背靠牆壁，這令我們更肯定，他真是有點古怪。我們在遠處看到那人被查身份證，又被盤問了一兩分鐘。我們一方面怕要協助調查，另一方面又八卦，所以還是留下來繼續偷看。

其中一個警察站到一旁，致電李同學。李同學對他說：「其實我o係你後面架咋！」並向他揮手。警察說，原來他倆是上司和下屬的關係，上司喝醉了，倒在路旁，下屬想送他回家，才嘗試看看他的銀包裡面有否其家人的聯絡方法。李同學對警察覆述我們剛才的討論，但似乎就已超出了警察希望知道的範圍。「得喇！交俾我地得架喇！」警察留下豪情壯語，就回到暗角處。我們回去向阿姐交代事情的發展，她說，係囉，警察咪可以幫佢搵到屋企人囉。

大家想像中的驚險場面並沒有出現，只是被當場踢爆不知道該街的街名，枉為樂富老街坊。最搞笑的是，連那保安阿姐被問起街道的名字時，也手忙腳亂了好一陣子。既然有這麼大的一個麥記招牌屹立不倒十多年，還有誰會留意那到處大同小異的街道名牌？不過這應算是另一種悲哀吧。

青春的約會

記憶中只有三次學騎單車（只計兩輪）的嘗試。第一次是在嘉湖山莊的公園中，那單車是紅色的，由不知名人士所贈。奇怪的是我完全不記得過程，誰在教我，自己究竟有沒有成功走了一兩步。第二次在宜蘭冬山河親水公園。本打算和貓同學一起在冬山河畔踩單車，又想像自己在入口租車處就可學會，但由於地面上滿是碎石，車子又太高，太怕跌倒擦傷，最後還是輪盡地坐貓同學的車尾，還害她翻車幾次，真是不好意思。第三次也在台灣，是台東市的三隻小豬民宿。民宿免費借出單車，但全部都很高爬不上。作為民宿第一個持外國護照的住客，我受到老闆及其助手熱心的協助。他們雖說教我騎，但其實見到一隻笨拙的動物在沙石上跌跌撞撞，也是相當令人沮喪的。最後雖然也成功騎到一兩米，但這樣子踩出馬路好像更危險，所以還是以11號公車代步。

相對於私家車或單車什麼的，我還是比較喜歡大眾運輸系統，不過也許我必須承認，〈夏天的尾巴〉真的大大激起了學騎單車的決心，哪怕當初入場主要是想看高鐵。所以，在風和日麗的周末，相約政政寡佬六人（我被所有女同學拒絕了，有意參與下次秋季大旅行的女士們請留意下次活動安排！）往大埔墟騎車去。我本來的想像是在大埔墟坐巴士到大尾督，然後在大尾督一帶騎車，但在大埔墟火車站碰面時，講多兩句後又覺得這樣太無聊，所以大伙最後還是在火車站旁的租車店租車。由於要在大尾督還車，連運輸費每人索價五十元。

從富雅花園出發，推車至寶湖一帶，在林村河的單車徑上開始試騎，穿過一個不知名的公共屋村，然後沿著漫長的汀角路到達大尾督。沿途固然盡賞吐露風光，但仍不免跌跌撞撞，很多時候同學說要先取得平衡才會成功，我通常的反應是在心裡爆一句粗，然後說「就是不行」。單車明明就是一些很輕巧（看起來啦）的東西，但一騎上去之後就會覺得整個方向盤（不知如何稱呼）都很重，要出盡力推，它才不會擺來擺去，固定在一個我想要的位置或方向，所以踩畢全程後手腕真是有夠累的。除了平衡之外，我想自己最難克服的是速度。我想自己不是那些能夠駕馭高速的人，所以一下斜坡，單車不由自主的加速，就開始心慌。有時候在應是可以順利飛過的斜坡，我總在中途煞車，硬生生的停下來，差點飛出車。

其實現在想來，我不太知道自己在哪方面出多了力，或者為何突然在途中某處如有神助，能夠克服之前幾次失敗的陰影。也許是車矮了，也許是踩的時間長了，也許是同行者的期望和支持的程度不同了，也許是比以前更好勝了。但是，到真的學會騎的一刻，真想尖叫：「我終於學識！」多謝各方好友不離不棄，令人心酸的穩健友誼又再發威，讓我經過了22年的步行生活，終於趕在青春期就快完結前發現了一種可以自行操縱的代步工具，哪怕後遺症是一些超級老餅的腰痠背痛和手軟腳軟。

算吧，我們真的不小了。

放棄半桶水

余文樂：「唱歌不是我想像中那麼好，很多因素非自己所能控制，加上我不能夠適應唱歌的制度，是我自己的問題，倒不如專心拍戲。」

Oh，這是最後了。

論文心情（持續更新）

什麼時候我覺得論文寫來寫去寫不完：

連續七日睡至午後才醒來；整天都在看youtube；突然上不到網；因為生理關係終日眼訓；檯面上的紙散落地面，又不小心被踩了腳印；看到旅遊網站很想去旅行；肚餓到什麼也吃不下；交功課前夕還是提不起勁寫；去完組聚之後大家都在談工作，學校的事已沒有人感興趣；一整個月的時間表都是空白的，然後發現今日才只是九號；圖書館傳來連環催還電郵，但那書完全未看過；老細說我的文字（暫時真的只是文字，我估）寫得不好；老細的樣子看起來欲言又止奸到出汁；失戀（不是無痛那種）；老媽子催回家吃飯

什麼時候我覺得突然很有衝勁寫論文：

去完很柒的seminar；突然很想讀博；聽到關於一些別人的無聊研究的事；看到一份很想做的工的招聘廣告；想像寫完可以去一個月的大冒險；見完點條明路我行的老細；聽到與「準時」和「畢業」有關的字眼；難得地在參考書上看到爆笑的事情；發現自己終於看得懂政府統計數字（花了好大的勁）；收拾好桌面，不論是書桌還是電腦的桌面；洗乾淨了三四天前喝完咖啡沒洗的杯；淋花；看到研究所求生手冊中他人的慘況，然後覺得這些不會發生在我身上；覺得自己不應再對undergrad產生太多認同感和留戀

愛之流刑地（二）

冬香被殺後，村尾在第一次口供的時候強調，因為自己愛冬香，所以才想完成她的願望，也就是被他殺死。他一直認為，自己會捨得殺死冬香，是因為太愛冬香。他以為自己和冬香的想法一樣，而他也成全了她，所以不論警察如何描述他為了掩飾這段不倫關係而行兇，他也全盤否定。

然後檢察官織部接手調查，在面談之中，村尾回憶起他與冬香相遇的經過。

村尾和冬香相識於村尾失意之時──他是愛情小說家，久未發市，雖然在大學裡還有教席，也定期為雜誌社供稿，但他還是覺得自己已失去了創作力，甚至乎，失去了寫作的熱情。以前的編輯朋友為了鼓勵他，便介紹了一位書迷給他。

那就是冬香，已婚，有三個小孩，自十八歲起就把村尾的《戀愛的墓碑》反覆翻看。該書的女主角不斷以玩弄男人為樂，最後自我了斷。冬香折服於女主角的妖豔、自由、個性，但她覺得自己永遠不會有如女主角般的勇氣。

後來，村尾覺得自己與冬香墮入愛河，寫作的動力又回來了，要以男人遠遠追不上的女人的熱情為題，再寫一本書。隨著對冬香的熱情一發不可發拾，他也不斷的寫著名為《虛無與熱情》的新書，並要冬香成為第一個讀者。在小酒吧裡，雜誌社的編輯說，戀愛是唯一可與寫作並存的東西，那時村尾低頭一笑，想來是覺得如魚得水了。

村尾的女兒高子，對《戀愛的墓碑》的理解與冬香的一樣嗎？與女主角同齡的高子認為，《戀》的女主角每天在遊戲人間，有一天突然間忍受不了痛苦和罪惡感，所以選擇死去。高子認為，冬香沒有勇氣自行了斷，需要一個願意殺死她的人，所以才請求村尾把她殺死。冬香本來就有被殺的願望，所以村尾只是被利用了，並沒有錯。

村尾又回憶起，冬香曾說，請他殺死她，她不想自己死。

週五懷舊之夜

ひと夏の経験
主唱：山口百惠
年份：1974


恋人も濡れる街角
主唱：中村雅俊
年份：1982


恋の予感
主唱：安全地帶
年份：1983


雨音
主唱：久保田利伸
年份：1991


玫瑰園
主唱：劉以達與夢
年份：1992

蒙馬特遺書

作者：邱妙津
出版社：聯合文學

匆匆地、狼狽地翻完的一本書。暫時沒有勇氣再看第二次，只能將它擱在書架上，等圖書館的催還電郵。

在往大學的火車上開始閱讀第一頁。一早知道是遺書，但不知是字字絕望、怨憤、破裂。極端理智的話最駭人──不曉得她寫的時候心理狀況是如何，也不知這是否重要，但把自己瘋狂的心、瘋狂的念頭極端細緻的地寫出來，把心逐瓣逐瓣的剖開，真的很駭人。愈看愈膽戰心驚，怕Zoe自怨自殘的同時，不小心也把我的心裡話也挑出來。怕那些已經被壓止的憤怒又被挑動，怕眼淚又再止不住。

幸好，沒有。我選擇了最差勁的讀法，類似是把Zoe視作瘋婦。

對不起。

完美的歐化

如果我的論文中出現的歐化句子是閱讀太多所致，這本書一定功不可沒。

監考期間，同學的手指在鍵盤上風馳電掣，我也幻想自己不如也做做論文。外型美觀的Dell電腦，flash不夠update玩不到travellers’ IQ、經常無故彈出叫人安裝Traditional Chinese package的視窗已經夠煩，重重玩樂的障礙令我終於收下心來開啟論文的檔案，結果這部偉大的電腦偉大到一個不可思議的地步，連手指也detect不到。實在太可怕，這就是廿一世紀的電腦，這就是廿一世紀的Windows XP（其實我唔知關唔關事）。究竟它是政政系派來拯救各位未畢業的研究生，協助他們消除雜念趕快完成論文的救星，還是一條只懂得打擊眾人僅餘工作意志的廢柴？

這部電腦對我而言，明顯就是一條廢柴。所以，唯有繼續閱讀歐化句子。直到今天我終於明白我的論文對老細而言是幾難頂了，真想把書逐頁逐句打交叉呀。

現形

數月前，在飯桌上，老豆沾沾自喜地宣佈，他參與了道路安全宣傳的海報拍攝工作，負責拖著細路過馬路，現在街上已可看到。我與小謝追問邊度邊度，現去拍照留念，他氣定神閒地說：「唔使，我已經影左喇～」

自此都沒有出旺角，對此事的熱情也只維持了半頓飯的時間，也就不了了之。前幾日經過先達廣場，巴士站有張油尖旺區議會的道路安全宣傳海報。少看電視的友人把注意力都集中在那句街知巷聞的鳩口號「路上零意外，香港人人愛」上，但看了半晌，我不禁驚呼：「嘩，我老豆！」

忘憂

大概一個月前開始，我就在掉頭髮，從家裡掉到辦公室，再由辦公室掉到各式公共交通。地板上散落著一條條的長頭髮，用屁股想也知道是我掉的。用梳子輕輕括一下，都會看到幾條頭髮被順勢拉了出來。掉髮的密度雖不至於令髮線後移，但也令我興起一陣為掉下的頭髮命名和立此存照的念頭。

在旅途上，對於身體清潔要求降至新低，而對頭髮的打理更是馬虎。只是兩三天沒有使用護髮素，頭髮就大量的開叉、折斷和脫落，每次洗澡後都要刻意地把浴室地板上的頭髮沖走。頭髮在頸後打結也是常有的事，在沉悶的長途車期間我又不住要用手指嘗試梳順它們，結果在紋別至旭川三小時的車程間，就掉了六七十條頭髮。雖說一天掉一百條頭髮是常態，但對在貞子的薰陶下長大的我們而言，幾十條頭髮一旦收集起來也是頗駭人的。因為要故作有公德心，我趁鄰近乘客忙於打瞌睡和觀看迪士尼出品的電影期間，把身上和座位上的頭髮收集起來，捲成一束束，打個結，收進外套的口袋裡，到下榻的酒店才丟掉。

原諒我借用典型的性別定型──男生為了旅行方便，把頭髮剃掉是家常便飯，但女生總是比較遲疑，即使是把頭髮削薄或剪短。如果頭髮是三千煩惱絲，那麼旅行回來之後，我的煩惱應該消除了不少。

我也希望是，畢竟好像好久沒有想起那件事。即使好久到極，可能也只是一星期。

再見

久違的旅行，這個時候可能真的需要。

大學時期幾乎所有旅行的目的地都是台灣。那時總有些所謂的反叛心理，類似是當大部份人在長假期時都往歐洲跑，網上相簿充斥著紅磚建築，我卻偏要縮在那神州大地旁的小葫蘆上──也許只有她認為自己是太平洋上的大鯨魚。台灣讓人感覺既熟悉又陌生──語言通行，講話沒有問題，景物又在文學作品、電影、電視劇、照片中看過，但當腳真的站在那塊土地上時，霎時間又像不知何處何從。當然，這可能與把我一個人丟在屯門元朗之類的感覺是一樣的，但沒有隔著一個海峽的距離，回家相對地又太容易了。

一路向北，可能滿足了我某些對單拖旅行的想像，但相對於以往只抄下民宿的電話和地址就出發，今次算是過度準備了。火車巴士時刻表、地圖、電話、日文書等都在手裡拿著，現在反而變得像野外定向。是有一點後悔（早知寫多兩日thesis啦），但也不能回頭了，最多用步行里數來彌補吧。

明天早上還是要去欺負細路，晚上出發。

這是行程，排名不分先後。

NA Can的怨憤留言

怨憤留言之一
原由 patchanism 上載

作為聯合飯堂忠實粉絲，好久沒有去NA Can，也不知原來今年鄧經理已不在做了。寫得滿滿的怨憤留言版，新經理還是在虛與委蛇，完全沒有了以往打情罵俏的氣氛。真是此情不再呀。

廿幾年前的正義乘客

下午，坐上了新城市廣場開出的28K專線小巴。司機在車上向前座的伯伯覆述了一件廿多年前的往事。

八零年，他是九巴司機，職位是替連（連續替工七日），快要升任正式車長。他駕駛的10號巴士，每天都有位在觀塘裁判署任職庭警的乘客陳生，而他們都認得對方。

某日下午四五時，下著滂沱大雨。陳生上了車後，司機關上車門，離站，但前面堵車，在馬路中央進退不得。這時，有位女士跑到馬路中間，用雨傘大力敲車門，向司機示意要上車，但司機記得公司規定，巴士離站後就不可再上落客，就沒有理會她。

豈料翌日，司機回到公司後就被上司召見，說那女士在運輸署工作，剛寫信來投訴司機飛站。「發生咩事呀，你好少咁唔小心架喎。」上司問。司機向他覆述當時情況，並說那女士對自己衝到馬路中央敲車門一事隻字不提。於是，上司就讓他請一天假，去找那陳生證明自己當時確有按指示停站。當時九巴的機制是，一接到乘客投訴，就會馬上向司機提出警告及扣分，司機並沒有辯解的機會。所以由此看來，司機的上司對他可謂相當照顧，而且當時大家都願意相信，庭警應該不會講大話。

司機很順利的在觀塘裁判署找到陳生，並請陳生寫一封信，向他上司解釋。陳生聽到司機的遭遇，替他感到非常不值。「運輸署做大哂咩？自己衝出馬路仲惡人先告狀，佢敲你車門應該叫佢賠番錢添呀！」陳生罵道。結果，陳生即日就親身來到巴士公司找司機的上司，證明司機的確在該車站停留過，讓他上了車，並沒有如那女士所說般飛站。

上司書面回覆了那女士，說有乘客證明司機的確曾在那車站停車。不久，巴士公司和司機就收到來自那女士的道歉信。

司機八六年離職了，當時全港還沒有一架冷氣巴。故事的尾巴是，九巴已改革了乘客投訴處理機制──收到乘客投訴後，必須讓涉事司機與乘客對質，必要時找運輸署出頭。現在10號巴士並不駛經觀塘，而且是全線空調。

Free Burma! / Liberté pour la Birmanie!

Free Burma! / Liberté pour la Birmanie!
原由 denis collette 上載

Free-Tree for Burma，subtle得來又未免太震撼了。

愛之流刑地（一）

黎明時份，東京市區。

村尾和東冬在床上，激烈地糾纏著。冬香說：「喂，掐我脖子。」哀求著，把村尾的手放在自己的脖子上，說如果村尾是愛她的話，就殺了她。村尾用力地掐，冬香在某一剎那停頓了下來，帶著微笑，就倒下了。

過了一會，村尾調整冬香在床上的姿勢，不住問她怎麼了怎麼了，好像無法相信，她已經死去。這個時候，就出現了律師和檢察官的畫外音，討論村尾到底有沒有殺意，是被吩咐殺人，還是蓄意殺人。律師認為從錄影帶所見，村尾是被委託殺人。

村尾發著呆，彷彿看到冬香前一晚前往他家的樣子。

畫外音續說，說村尾就這樣把冬香的屍體留在臥室裡，是為了不讓他們之間的關係曝光。而在冬香被殺，到屍體被留在臥室裡，都反映出村尾是有預謀及殘忍的的。其時，村尾走到家的天台，想跳下去，但不知如何是好。

律師又說，村尾把冬香留在房間裡，是怕與冬香永遠分離，與殺意無關。這時，畫面所見，村尾為冬香包上浴衣，緊緊擁抱著。

他做了夢，夢見冬香在水裡游向他。刺眼的陽光把他弄醒，醒來發現，冬香還是那樣躺在床上。

窗外的人已開始了一天的勞動和生活。他回到臥室，把床下的錄音機拿出來，裡面錄有冬香臨死前叫村尾殺了她的話。

剛滿一月

我可不想裝的很可悲　好讓人家來給我安慰
這一段時間我很OK　頂多入夜之後早早睡
當然還是有一些小小的寂寞在身邊
寂寞很OK　一個人OK　習慣就OK

張震嶽〈OK〉

深圳之快去快返依依不捨

今日與政政同學北上。中午在太和火車站月台集合，後試用新口岸，在落馬洲過關。途中同學甲發現無帶回鄉證，中途陣亡折返，其時已到上水。

在眾人之中北上經驗最少應是我吧。撇除年頭上深圳取書快去快返不算，上次造訪深圳已是中一的事。那時的我，年紀比回鄉證（沒錯，是證）上照片的我還要小。那時任由父母帶著走，不知往何處去，現在也是如是。同行者中有一深圳居民，及經常北上尋歡的同學，就這樣把性命財產交托予各位，想來還真是理所當然得過份。

過關所在地與地鐵站融為一體，直至買票之後，我都不知自己即將前往哪。深圳地鐵與香港何其相似，連標誌也只差一條直線，但站名卻顯得那樣模糊。少年宮、市民中心、會展中心、香蜜湖、竹子林、老街、科學館，小小的字刻在路線圖中，蒼白無力的程度，與我對深圳的陌生感成正比。

深圳，好像把所有代表財富繁榮的東西都推往極端。六線行車仍不敷應用的大馬路、遠看像拉斯維加斯那把紐約複製起來的酒店的中央商業區、以金銀互相輝映的圖書館和音樂廳、像給巨人子弟就讀的幼稚園的政府總部，看起來充滿了荒謬感。吊詭的是，這些東西在我們生長的地方、讀書的地方應已見怪不怪，但荒謬感又從何而來？可能只是在理論上不相干的地方看到某些東西的存在吧。

半天的行程，除了荒謬外，還不時被不安的情緒籠罩著。最開心的大發現，應是在某書店中發現《我這一代香港人》等香港研究的書，及簡體字版的《資本主義不是什麼》，屝頁還附送許寶強近照。雖然從一般標準看來，那只是一間很普通的三聯／商務分店，談不上什麼性格可言，但在深圳的語境下，竟成為一間接近Libro（即係呢間呀）的書店，真神奇呢。

廣告時間

灣仔社區文化旅遊－－「鬼」要都市變遷

主辦：聖雅各福群會、灣仔民間生活館
內容：透過參觀舊灣仔郵局、軒尼斯道、修頓球場、前盲女學校、八公廟、船街及舊東成戲院等，探討靈異事件與灣仔發展及民生之關係
日期：2007年10月6日（六）<- 應可再議
時間：晚上八時至十一時
費用：$40

明明是自己想去玩，但竟然又約到一班人……社會資本果然可怕！
有興趣者請聯絡在下。

就業用書：書店風雲錄

穩健的友情實在令人既高興又心酸。留學季節又到，知己一聲拜拜，遠去這都市。今個月的空隙，來得正是合時。

就業的書一浪接一浪。最近不斷在看有關各行業的書和網頁，現在書包裡放的是《書店風雲錄》，描述的是三十年前日本西武百貨創辦圖書賣場Libro的情況。百貨公司裡的圖書賣場往往被視為小孩和家庭主婦專用，但三十年前就有人要在百貨公司裡搞一間Kubrick風格的專業書店。三十年前日本的出版業好像超級蓬勃，現在看來真不可思議。開始時也頗不順利，當時的日本出版物要由經銷商如東販、日販等配送與各書店，而西武那間則經常得不到任何配書，在號稱沒有什麼買不到的百貨店裡，買一本暢銷書卻很困難，想起也覺樣衰。後來有些書店業勁人及商業奇才加入，情況就好很多了。但在網上找到其網頁，為何又變了像百貨公司的物體？

週日節目

週日晚間節目一：地獄第19層

如果stephy都叫腳粗，阿嬌那對應是榕樹吧，譚耀文為她穿鞋的一幕尤其明顯，唔怪得突然要瘦得起。全劇最恐怖之處是瞬間轉移──明明在人文館的儲物櫃前奔跑，轉眼已跑到教院。如果熟悉那些取景地點，可能會有中大教院已經合併的幻覺。

節目二：交響情人夢1-8集

最感動是真澄說：全世界的打擊樂器都是屬於我的！
還有抬著大鼓呻吟說：好想回山形！

是無知還是什麼

昨日去了官方舉辦之就業講座。從來沒有想過自己要／想這些東西，排隊入場的時候，除了同行的黃同學，舉目也沒有看見認識的人，想來真是青春不再呢。

場內幾乎滿座。負責協助同學就業的部門的主管擔任主持，簡介該部門服務，預告未來進駐校園舉行就業講座的大公司，等等等等。中段有一部份簡介工作及就業市場的最新發展，工作流動性、multi-tasking及勞工彈性化等耳熟能詳的所謂現實被奉若聖旨，聽起來也真是唏噓，但也許只是少見多怪。

我們心虛地坐在大講堂的最後排，無從得知其他同學看到中大畢業生平均起薪點、就業成功率、各大僱主對中大畢業生表現的意見時的表情。是嚮往、自信、驕傲還是不屑一顧？我無法投入，因為我對那一列投資銀行名單只有「不需要考慮的大公司」的刻板想像。平日同學訴說有商界面試碰的各式軟硬釘子，在股票市場的起落廝殺，我想不如他們直接告訴我戶口存款數字的升解比較容易理解。

有時我抗拒想像事業。情感上覺得除了那些MT保險營業代表飲食業之外什麼都可以做，但又還想有空閒時間、有假期、有去旅行的餘錢。某些對所謂小資生活或閒暇的想像和留戀與我的就業基本態度之間似乎有著一股不可跨越的鴻溝。什麼才是理解自己的表現，給自己的機會、放過自己的程度怎樣才算多怎樣才算少，現下我並沒有答案。

有了這個你要做什麼

是日好書：So What Are You Going To Do With That? Finding Careers Outside Academia。其他同學的經驗，彷彿稍稍提高了我對於求職的危機意識──只是稍稍，也不知是可惜還是幸運。於是，今天從圖書館借來了此書。沒有了書衣，全黑的封面，帶著芝大出版社的金漆招牌，與一般thesis用書無異，但背後卻埋藏著驚世（？）大陰謀──當你覺得自己餘生都要在書堆和愚蠢的學生群中度過時，如何跳出所謂的學院。適用者除讀了六七年還未畢業的研究生外，還有不想再教書和對著同事快發癲的教授們。

書的後半部進入了一些超級技術性的求職處境，現在沒有心情細看，前半部則花了不少篇幅處理與supervisor之間的角力。當然我與馬生在畢業與否方面沒有分歧──我想快走，他想快把我踢走──但可以想像的是在餘下的一年間，他還是會像一隻可怕的哥斯拉。此書一語道破，而我也真的馬上承認了：

Among the many fears that can keep a distressed graduate student awake at night, the biggest one is usually: Should I finish my dissertation or not? While we can’t tell you what the right answer is, we tell you that you don’t have to torture yourself by trying to decide on an absolute “yes” or “no.”
Instead, concentrate on taking control of your progress in the short term… We’re just trying to correct the over-inflated idea most grad students have of their adviser’s investment in their progress. Admit it: you’ve probably had nightmares in which your adviser has wreaked Godzilla-like havoc on your tiny studio apartment. (pp.24-25)

愈來愈多的恐懼使論文變得愈來愈不可觸碰，這也是我熟知的遊戲規則（for losers’ reference）：

Aside from writing your dissertation and teaching classes, what else are you doing in graduate school? Keep a calendar to measure how you use your time for a week, and see how many hours you spend actually working versus how many hours you spend thinking about working, avoid working, feeling guilty about not working pretending to work… You know the game. (p.28)

即使偶然有些鼓勵性的評語，面前好像向著完成論文的方向展開了條康莊大道，我的生活還是如此：

…Rodney Whitlock, a political science Ph.D. who now burns the midnight oil working on Capitol Hill, recalls similar grad school frustrations. “I hated the feeling that you were never really busy, and never really not busy. I hated the nagging feeling over the weekends,” Whitlock remembers. (p.29)

開學首星期就看到這本書，可能也是好開始吧。

爭少少

其實是否爭少少，我就可以說服自己，有些東西是永遠不會再回來，再試也沒有用了……？

開學誌

告別人生最後一個暑假。如果可以的話，真想這個夏天可以重頭來過，但當然是不可能的，學還是開了。

開學前的最後一天，笨手笨腳的交了論文，今日與馬生談了，似乎不錯，他說「幾好」的時候，我還呆了半秒。以故作輕快的步伐尾隨他走進房間，坐下，一談就是半個多小時。他為我留下了一堆兩難，以及下次要交的東西。還好，中期目標算是達到。

馬生是奸的──這是暑假期間的口頭禪。雖然他沒有日日夜夜在旁邊nag大家要做這做那，但每次見到他出現還是不禁為自己的緩慢進度嘆氣。在沒有課堂、沒有時間表的暑假，論文似乎是唯一的工作，所以它比平時任何時候都顯得沉悶和舉步維艱。平時沒有論文，還有當代政治學和空間政治，所以論文的厭惡性相對地大大減少。但當世界上只剩下論文，畢業的日子與現在的距離就像鐵軌一樣長（中學之後也沒有再看余光中了，哈）。

今日主要的收獲是確定了研究假設的方向，還有得到一些做case studies的具體建議。基本上研究沒有什麼創新之處，只是將外國文獻裡描述的現象拿來香港驗一驗，看看大家期望的事情有沒有發生。我假設那些事情沒有發生，基於在香港出現的某些intervening variables，這些intervening variables當中大部份也自然是抄考自馬生的著作，我的工作可能只是嘗試把他講的東西放在我的研究範圍中再講多次。

連自己的論文也可講得如此模棱兩可，除了故作神秘，應也只能解釋為自信嚴重不足吧，哪怕我信誓旦旦的希望勇往直前。開學了，新人事新作風，唯有逼自己快快追上成長的步伐。

共勉之

Some Advice for Postgraduate Students from Scott Keogh

* Go for the total package – learn how to write, speak, teach and get grants.
* Spend time in the library every week to check out the latest journals.
* Be a scholar, stay up to date on your research.
* Get some teaching experience.
* Go to meetings and conferences and present your work in talks and posters. It is important to get to know the players in your field and to interact with them.
* Be active in your professional societies. Many have roles that students and postdocs can play.
* Go to all your departmental seminars.
* Get as much public speaking experience as you can through giving informal talks, formal seminars and teaching.
* Publish your research results - if you don't write it, you didn't do it! Besides, publications are very important for your long-term career.
* Publish your research results early and often. Space your writing over the entire course of your graduate work, don't try and do everything at the end.
* Learn how to convey your research results to a lay audience, write a popular article about your research and give talks to amateur societies.
* Follow through on your good ideas. Remember that only completed projects count.
* Be a critical and independent thinker, don't believe everything you hear or read.
* Be active in your department to gain experience, but not too active. Remember that the main reason you are there is to do research.
* Get to know your fellow graduate students well and take all the opportunities you can to talk about science – they are your current and future scientific peers.
* Be dedicated to your project and don't waste time.
* Get experience in giving constructive criticism and participating in your field – ask your supervisor to give you manuscripts to review or once you have published a few papers yourself, tell the editors of professional journals that you are interested in reviewing manuscripts for them.
* Go to "how to" workshops on writing, teaching, grantsmanship, computer skills and so on. These new skills can save you tremendous amounts of time in the long run.
* Be a bibliophile. Build a reprint and photocopy library of research papers in your field and keep it up to date and well organised. Learn now to use a bibliography program and enter all your papers into it. Nothing makes writing research papers easier than having a well-organised library at your fingertips.
* Be active in journal clubs or scientific discussion groups, many people learn more from these than from their supervisors or any other aspect of their more formal teaching experiences.
* Be highly organised and have a simple and efficient filing system. As you progress you will forget what's in the various paper piles as the piles grow and multiply.
* Be a good correspondent, we all hate not hearing back from people in a timely manner.
* Save all your correspondence (including emails) both received and sent and keep it well organised. You will be surprised how often you need to refer to old letters and emails.
* Be a good collaborator because we all hate dealing with bad collaborators. This means doing what you say you are going to do and if you can't, be honest about it sooner rather than later.
* Talk about your ideas with others.
* Be thankful of constructive criticism, and don't let it hurt your feelings. You will have to deal with criticism your entire professional life, so learn how to deal with it in a positive way. Remember, constructive criticism is meant to be constructive - they are trying to make it better!
* Don't be afraid to seek out help and advice when you need it and from whatever source you think might best be able to give it. We all need help and the outcome will always be better for having received it.

好多了，謝謝貓和花旦。

Babbling

I have never thought of seeking help from self-help books. However, I do it this time. Don’t ask me why, cause I have no idea either. Desperate people manage to do anything silly.

I ordered some from books.com.tw yesterday. While it is celebrating its 12th anniversary recently, so many of the books are on sale. I also borrowed some from the university library. This is the first time that I realize its collection is such a huge one.

It has been the 5th day that I return single. Basically I have no progress on my thesis, and I am shameless to the extent that I have had tea with my supervisor for 3 days as if nothing has happened (on being set a deadline for the work, of course). I keep telling myself, okay, he is not coming back. He is not going to change his mind. He enjoys his own life now. He doesn’t need me now. Even if he needs someone, that won’t be me anyway.

I also tell myself that I am living my own life. I ask friends for dinner. I write my new blog. I go here and there alone. I eat all kinds of vegetarian food. I laugh hard. I sleep hard. But then his image is still vivid. There are still hopes that he would ring me up soon. I know it sucks, but it really happens, ridiculously. No matter how self-help books teach all kinds of forgetting strategies and how people should live better than your ex-partner, he is still there regardless of the fact that I have followed almost all the rules.

If I dared to say that he had been treating me very badly, and waiting for him had been such a tiring job, it would be a lot better, because I would be obsessed with hatred but not something like love, concern and missing him. I do not wish that he would become my number one enemy, regardless of the fact that another little voice in my heart says “why not” if I have no courage to face him from now on anyway. I am reminded over and over again how sweet he was, how quiet he was, and how caring he was. Things and memories just don’t pass by time. Conversely, they are reinforced by time.

I have no idea when these gotta end.

He is still there anyway.

Today is the first day that I shed no tears. I woke up after 8 hours of sleep. I went to school. I picked some books for returning to the library. I had tea with Steve, May and Ma Ngok at UC Canteen. Then I sat in front of the computer until now. Everything seems normal, and I am as listless as usual.

I was suddenly obsessed with fear that I would forget how he looks like very soon, and I don’t know whether I should let this happen. I haven’t seen him for weeks. I keep an ID photo of his in the wallet, but I dare not to take it out. The same applies to the photo stickers that we took after Ball’s farewell dinner a year ago. Photos of him taken throughout the past years are stored in the old computer, and I dare not to turn it on. Some of the photos are still stored in my digital camera, and I haven’t taken it out from my bag for a week. His face is still vivid as expected, but unapproachable. My vocabulary is insufficient to describe his smell, but anyhow I remember it as clearly as usual.

I try not to think about him so frequently. I go to bed right after I arrive home every day. I ignore the old computer and the Don Don lamp on my desk. I imprison the Kam Kam doll in the most inner part of my wardrobe. I avoid sending SMS to people. I order vegetarian meals. I stop paying attention to bus routes and names of roads. I stop reading Xanga subscriptions (sorry for the others on my subscription list that I intentionally stop learning whether you are doing well because of this). I limit the checking of emails to 4 times a day. I escape from soccer news, particularly those about FC Barcelona.

Regardless of these efforts, I still see him sitting next to me. I still hear myself babbling to him. I still find myself thinking of revisiting places that we have visited, new places to take him to, and new jokes to tell him, though he might not be interested at all. Sometimes I persuade myself that I am used to doing them all the time, waiting for unknown replies at any moment. I have always been waiting for something, either acceptance or refusal, and I am used to getting refusal. Nothing is new, including the sense of abandonment and, ridiculously, the sense of intimacy derived from it.

Mom left a message that pride should not be deprived of. Somehow I can’t agree with this. If pride has really mattered, I would not have been sustained till now. The day when my pride is picked up again is the day when he is entirely driven out of my heart, but this seems to be far beyond my imagination and, probably, willingness. I really hate myself like this because, again and sad to say, this is the part of mine that he dislikes.

Records

He never wrote to me by hand. Handwriting is tiring, while you have to think very carefully before you actually write something. Editing is not easy. Making a decision to rewrite after several attempts is hard. It also demands too much sincerity and courage which push oneself into limits of no return. I guess he would not be hardhearted to tell, or to speak the truth, capable of telling, me his thoughts clearly to my face. That is why email and SMS were his only choices.

I made a record of his SMSs by typing them on the notepad, so I could free space in the inbox of my phone for upcoming ones. I typed his messages, his name as the sender, and the exact time and date when I received them. His language habit was outlandish, while he used to skip either subjects or objects, and write with self-invented abbreviations. I always misread, and I got angry with him at the beginning. He then blamed me as the only one around him who had experienced such reading obstacles. So I shut up, persuading myself as a poor reader.

I also printed hardcopies of his emails and blog entries. For emails, all of those printed were his thoughts on my temper, my harsh demands on him, and his confusion of how we should get along with each other. Or to make it simple, something negative, stressful and harsh. For blog entries, most of them were not about me, but I guessed they implied something about me. He never told me straightly anyway. I folded them up and kept them in a compartment of the bag that I usually carried to school. I had read them for hundreds of times on the train, in the office, on the bench next to UCC, and at home. Margins of the paper were all worn out, and the colour almost faded away completely. I always burst into tears at the beginning, but later I got conditioned to the sorrowful status. No matter how sad I felt like, it was just like self-accusation and self-abuse. He did not know, and I did not intend to tell him either.

Sometimes I blamed myself for not being comforting enough, stopping him from telling me his mind. I seldom listened thoroughly, and I gave no appropriate response, didn't I? Trial and error just did not work. In desperate moments, I gave up thinking of the qualities of someone whom he is comfortable to speak to, with the belief that no matter how hard I work beyond my perceived range, I am not the right one.

I am not the right one. So, this is the only thing that I can tell myself, regardless of the fact that I would never want to believe in it.

Reminders are everywhere.

I felt slightly better today, after convincing myself that he would never change his mind. The only things for me to do may include forgetting and cherishing the hope that the next one would suit me better.

Forgetting is by no means a piece of cake (I learnt this from Roadshow, anyway). I was reminded of him non-stop while seeing all those establishments, people, and even food. We watched The Double Life of Veronique. We attempted to feed a black kitten with cornflakes near a pool, and remembered that kittens drink milk only on the next day. We exchanged our ID photos on a bench. We took our last picture together at the Queen’s Pier, which was still in use, and he avoided my lens afterwards. He remembered to bring a torch with him when we went hiking. He had a long monologue on whether to discontinue our relationship on a footbridge. He walked me home. He bought me cup noodles and biscuits. He asked me to print him copies of required readings for Contemporary Political Science. He eats no vegetables except broccoli. He avoids travelling by railway whenever riding on a bus is an alternative. He has been doing hairdressing for himself since Form 6. He writes to newspapers, and posts articles not published on his blog. He shares comics with his sister. He listens to Janice and Stephy. He likes soccer as much as Ma Ngok. He likes movies as much as Hehe. He speaks as softly as Szeling. He is as determined as May.

I practised inputting Chinese characters on SMS faster. I broke his (and also Tam’s) record on Minesweeper. I bought a few issues of Soccer Weekly and read about Argentine players in La Liga. I learnt to travel by bus and minibus. I learnt to appreciate B-movies and Hong Kong productions. I waited for his calls and date by working hard in the office. I tried to control my temper. I paid attention to the updates of Pets@Work. I travelled alone to Taitung after having a big fight with him, and he met me at the airport when I returned. I imagined him jumping into my sight all of a sudden when I was damn frustrated on schoolwork. I thought about how to speak my mind more clearly. I acted painstakingly in front of him. I cried to him shamelessly. I wrote to him in English on the Valentines’ Day, with the hope of sounding subtler. I longed for meeting him for dinner. I felt jealous of people whom he talked to cheerfully. I tried to read his mind, but then, failed.

Retrospection. Resentment. Reinforcement. Curses. Self-pity. Whatever you call them.

Part of me is gone

I have been writing on Blurty since December 15 2002, my eighteenth birthday. There I have gone through my secondary school and university life, the golden period of my teenage, and my postgraduate life, which is still in progress. I am used to indicate my schedule and life pattern in accordance with the school calendar. That is, July and August are months of relaxation, since it is when the summer vacation is on-going. I always want to go to play in December, while it is the semester break. However, the above indication would become ineffective soon, when the term “semester” and “vacation” can no longer be distinguished from each other.

In case most of the people who know me didn’t know, I have gone out with three guys. My first break-up was in the second semester of Form 6, during the peak time of the preparation of Hot-La-La (sorry that I have forgotten the exact English title). I was, technically, dumped by Mr. C, but the feeling of discomfort did not last long. I thought I had more than enough friends to support my life, and being dumped just didn’t matter at all. Or frankly speaking, I was not committed to the relationship from the bottom of my heart. In the second attempt with Mr. N, I was slightly more committed, but still, in a carefree manner. After long struggles and distresses, breaking up became a gateway to freedom and relief.

Yesterday I experienced the third one. I am lucky enough to get this at the age of 22, which means that the former part of my life has been such a success. But now, I am watching part of me being torn off, with no way to change the situation. I think I have tried hard enough to be good, to be strong and considerate, but then the effort does not deserve little appreciation, while I am considered “not getting on the right track” at all.

I never think we are a good match, but at least we share bittersweet moments. Anyway, the game is finally over, and I have lost. What ironic is, I am never confident enough to be granted his promises, as well as prospect of our future. I know I knew that at the very beginning, as every body else did too. He is definitely not the one who I manage to grasp. However, what happened afterwards, was I getting into it hard, straightly and shamelessly.

The conclusion that I, 22 going on 23, finally grow from defeat, could not be certainly drawn at the moment. I just think that adolescence has come to an end eventually. I am welcomed to the real world, where love and patience just don’t play a part. Therefore, Blurty, the embodiment of memories, happiness, encouragements, discouragements, failures, success, whatsoever, would no longer be in use.

It is my youth, and I am no longer young, I guess.

我好悶

悶到生哂草。